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(@chefie)
Honorable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 553
03/09/2014 10:35 pm  

PROCRASTINATION

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=12905300&q=hi

I’m just sitting here and I’m waiting
people think that I’m procrastinating
all of them gossiping that I just don’t care
but I’m the one that’s sitting in this big uneasy chair

maybe I will, maybe I won't
maybe I'll consider it, what if I don't
Maybe I’ll decide, then again, maybe not
maybe doesn't matter at all ,it's only just a thought

could of would have should of done it but I didn’t so
nothing’s what it could of would have should have been though
didn’t make a choice at all, didn’t say a word
of two choices I could make, I chose the third

My mother said if I’d procrastinate I wouldn’t amount to much
I told her she should wait and see but in time we lost touch
time came to prove my point, but I waited too long
I found my mother in her grave, my chance had come and gone

I’ve got maybe on my mind
always undecided, but now I’m out of time
I could have chose one way or another
would it had made a difference, it’s too late to discover

could of would have should of done it but I didn’t so
nothing’s what it could of would have should have been though
didn’t make a choice at all, didn’t say a word
of two choices I could make, I chose the third


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 4485
04/09/2014 2:04 am  

Hi Neil

For whatever reason, your audio isn't coming up on my computer, so I'm currently only going with the lyrics and trusting that the unevenness in phrasing that I'm reading is probably more than ably handled in the singing.

Before I forget, I love this line:
I’ve got maybe on my mind

But the line immediately following:
always undecided, but now I’m out of time

Seems more than a bit redundant. Perhaps coupling the first line with something that helps delve into that image a bit more might work, like:

I’ve got maybe on my mind
And I might work on fixing that at some point in time

(but not really like that because that's very awkwardly phrased on my part - sorry, but it's the best off the top of my head at the moment)

Also, and this may just be me, but the chorus might be stronger by adding the word "always" to the second half of the last line:

of two choices I could make, I always chose the third

Looking forward to hearing this once my computer gets working properly.

Peace


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2097
04/09/2014 7:57 am  

Hi Neil,
I like it :D and I especially like your chorus thumbs up on that.
"I always chose the third" yes I think that would be good too.

My favorite is this one sitting in this big uneasy chair

well done

Paul

Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 2852
04/09/2014 11:50 am  

Hi Neil,

Good start :D
David wrote:
"I always chose the third"
+1

I like the contrast musically in the sections.

Suggestions:

I agree with David about the redundancy. The second half could be used to develop more......Consider including more characters than just the mother....that makes it sound a bit of an odd relationship rather than the singer just being a procrastinator.....

After the section about the mother.....you could introduce a bit of relationship tension where the singer has two wives/lives or girlfriends that don't know about each other... and of course he can't make a choice b/c his mother messed him up by saying chose wisely or something like that.....and then he choice of the "3rd" would have a new twist on the idea....you could leave the mystery woman or mystery choice a mystery.

Thanks for sharing. :D

James


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(@chefie)
Honorable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 553
04/09/2014 3:33 pm  

Thanks David, Paul, & James for your comments!
I always chose the third Great suggestion. Done

Regarding the I've got maybe on my mind verse . . . .
Maybe something like

I've got maybe on my mind
Always making choices by running out of time
Afraid to make a single stand, choosing not to choose
Not considering what would happen, not caring what I’d lose

James: Interesting idea to expand the relationships . . . . . just not sure how to contain them without expanding the song to an operetta. Still, maybe . . . . . :?

I was worried that I was going to caught on the should of, could have discrepancy and even considered changing it to shoulda, coulda . . . . . :lol:

Neil


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(@john-sargent)
Prominent Member
Joined: 10 years ago
Posts: 948
05/09/2014 10:47 am  

I really liked the chorus and the use of the could've, would've, should've lines. You managed to work in a familiar line without it sounding like one.


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(@chefie)
Honorable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 553
05/09/2014 4:30 pm  

Thanks John.

Neil


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(@jmr57)
New Member
Joined: 6 years ago
Posts: 1
07/09/2014 3:09 am  

good job !


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(@chefie)
Honorable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 553
07/09/2014 2:44 pm  

Thanks, JMR, and welcome to the Sunday Songwriters Forum!

Neil


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