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Sun Song Yr 14 Week 1 - Where Did We Go Wrong  

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(@guentherb121)
Active Member
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 10
08/11/2015 9:42 pm  

Hello all.

I've posted some songs during last years session, but was not very consistent, and am going to attempt to make it each week (fingers crossed). I have to say I enjoyed the challenge of writing in sonnet form. Anyway words are below. Any and all feedback welcomed. Hope you enjoy!

https://soundcloud.com/barry-guenther/where-did-we-go-wrong

Verse 1
Sitting drinking coffee writing this song
Not sure what to say not sure what to say
Where do we go where we feel we belong
A place we can play a place we can play

Verse 2
Searching how we seek timeless endless bliss
Somewhere we feel good somewhere we feel good
Do you know where we find a place like this
Somehow thought you would somehow thought you would

Chorus
Which way is up which way is down you say
Now we walk along now we walk along
Path unfamiliar we can’t find our way
Where did we go wrong where did we go wrong

Verse 4
Imagine a place we could start anew
Could it see us through could it see us through


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(@hobson)
Prominent Member
Joined: 11 years ago
Posts: 794
11/11/2015 3:28 pm  

Some good lines here, but as a whole, it feels disconnected. I am not at all sure who the singer is addressing. My suggestion, for what it's worth, is that you try to be a bit more specific. As written, only the first line of the song has some concrete details.

In verse 2, the singer thinks that the second person has some knowledge that the singer doesn't have. But in the chorus, it seems that they're both lost.

The first line in verse 2 seems forced. Seeking "timeless, endless bliss" doesn't seem realistic for most people. Maybe this is a religious reference.

Renee


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2097
11/11/2015 5:38 pm  

Hi guentherb121,
I think there is potential here with a couple of tweaks. For me the song would benefit from some assertion in the chorus on the lines of say “together we can find that place….. together there is no ….”. As it stands there just seems to be more questions. So the new pattern of your song becomes Question, Question, Assertion/Statement, Question, Assertion/Statement.

Cheers
Paul

Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@guentherb121)
Active Member
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 10
13/11/2015 11:29 am  

Excellent feedback. Thank you. This song was supposed to talk about my wife and I both feeling rather disconnected with many of our friends lately almost isolated. The more I listened to this myself I realized that I was being rather cryptic and not overly clear with my message and was beginning to think of ways to rewrite portions of it. You both have provided some wonderful areas to concentrate on.

The chorus certainly needs work, as I'm talking about a path which doesn't actually tie to that theme at all. It's just kind of out there in left field somewhere. And maybe change line 1 on verse 2 to "Searching to find continual bliss" or "searching how we find ourselves happiness".

pbee I like that idea of question question statement setup. I think I'm going to rework a lot of these verses with these ideas. I tend to write, record, submit and then critique later. Unfortunately, by doing things this way lyrics many times come out disjointed, which has always been a weakness (hence why I'm working on it! haha).

Thanks again!

BG


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(@newyorkskiffle)
New Member
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 4
23/11/2015 1:29 am  

I don't think this needs a repeated chorus tbh. I love the way you make some lines repeat themselves throughout the song and I think that suffices as enough of a "chorus" of sorts. So, after the ending couplet, I'd be inclined to bring the band back in with a guitar solo or something kicking into a brief little jam to end the tune on.

As for the lyrics, like I say, I love the lines that you've split in half and repeated. While the topic is vague and could be made more coherent, keeping some of the vagueness works for me.


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