Evening Star
She's standing in a darkened doorway
In a seedy part of town
Lookin to all that pass her by
Stares of disgust really get her down
I wasn't always like this
She says to herself with a sigh
Thinkin back on what might
Have been
Then she begins to cry
I used to be a streak of light
I was destined to go far
Now I only come out a night
Just like the Evening Star
She left her home at sixteen
Hitchin Trucks and Cars
Faced an endless chain of
strange men
Empty jobs and bars
Years of Drugs and alcohol
She has come to embrace
Has taken it's toll on Her
And brought Her to this place
I used to be a streak of light
I was destined to go far
Now I only come out at night
Just like the Evening Star
Doesn't know how things got so bad
How it came to this
Thinkin of what should have been
And all she's gonna miss
She lays down one final time
Knowing she'll finally go far
To see Her when She leaves this place
Look to the evening Star
I used to be a streak of light
I was destined to go far
Now I only come out at night
I am the evening Star
D
Hi Sabalo
There's a nice moody atmosphere ("nice" as in "nicely done" and not "nice place") to this. I think that with some more personal touches, you can make it even better. By personal touches, I mean somthing that will make this song lyric a little different than the others about the "woman of the night" songs (and there are who knows how many of those) that one might hear.
Your character is fairly generic and there is nothing specific that makes her stand out from the crowd and that can be vital to creating listening empathy (or even distaste) with your creation.
The chorus:
I used to be a streak of light
I was destined to go far
Now I only come out at night
Just like the Evening Star
is a thing of beauty because it is personal. You can hear someone saying (or singing) this. Maybe a good way to go toward making the rest of the song match the personality of the chorus is to have all the verses also done in a first person narrative. Just a thought.
Another thing would be to give her specific actions and thoughts. You do that with last line of the first verse:
She's standing in a darkened doorway
In a seedy part of town
Lookin to all that pass her by
Stares of disgust really get her down
Although the third line is a little awkward. Is "lookin" to mean she's looking or she's being looked at. While it's a good line, in the context of this verse it's a bit disruptive.
Likewise, the second stanza starts out well:
I wasn't always like this
She says to herself with a sigh
Thinkin back on what might
Have been
Then she begins to cry
but in the third line it gets vague again and loses the potential emotional power it had.
Anyway, with some more personal touches, I think you'll be able to make this a more memorable and moving song. It's a great start as it is.
Looking forward to reading more from you.
Peace
i like that you got a metaphor and stuck to it through the entire song.
Only quibble I have is that you're switching from an observer's point of view to a first person point of view without always making it clear who's speaking....in the second section (I'm still working out verses/choruse!) you write,
"I wasn't always like this
She says to herself with a sigh"
Which is fine because it's reported speech.....but later you go from,
"Years of Drugs and alcohol
She has come to embrace
Has taken it's toll on Her
And brought Her to this place"......observer, 3rd person
To......
"I used to be a streak of light
I was destined to go far
Now I only come out at night
Just like the Evening Star".........reported speech in 1st person without linking linking them. That'd work fine in a male/female duet, but unless there's a link there between narration and speech, it doesn't work.....
And yes, it's a bit generic, and yes, it's a bit cliche'd, but for the most part you manage to get the point across - just needs a little tidying up, is all!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I was having trouble keeping it from being first person and still get her thoughts across. Also I have written this with a rather haunting F6 ( F6/C) based melody. Without the melody it is hard to lengthen out the lines , how they really go. I must really find out how to get an mp3 on this site. It is up to the listener to determine what she is. Bag lady, drug addict, lady of the night, whos to know? It fits so many lives that touch and repulse us all. Thanks again for the input.
D
