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SSG Yr 6 Wk 2 - 'Snapshots from a Life'

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(@fraydoc)
Eminent Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 23
Topic starter  

'Snapshots From A Life'

Stood on rippled sand,
Hair streaming in the gale,
You laugh despite the cold,
Coat blown up like a sail.

Snapshots from a life,
Snapshots from a life,
Snapshots from a life.

Snowy afternoon,
Lit red with fading light,
You gather up the snow,
Preparing for a fight.

Snapshots from a life,
Snapshots from a life,
Snapshots from a life.

Three figures, drinks in hand,
Do smiles ring hollow,now?
Should I have seen it then?
But it was too late, anyhow.

Staring at these photographs,
Looking for a sign,
Some mark of treachery,
But there's nothing there to find.

They're just...

Snapshots from a life,
Snapshots from a life,
Snapshots from a life.


   
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(@drunkrock)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 159
 

I found the verses to be a tad short. Something I seem to be accused of pretty often! Filling them out a bit more would be an improvement I bet. A specific comment about the opening verse: opening with stood feels abrupt and does not really convey the fact that you are talking about a person, more that you stood up an object on the beach. Simple qualifier should fix that.


   
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(@jasong)
Active Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 8
 

Fraydoc, what kind of music did you have in mind for this? I envision a kind of Cure-like music, with haunting synth and minor key guitar...

I like the second half of the lyrics, but I feel like the first two verses don't do enough to communicate the (perceived) love in the relationship. Doing this would build up, and make the second half "treachery" more dramatic.

Also - this may be difficult to achieve with these short lyrics - I personally like some ambiguity in my lyrics - what do you think about not implying that it was her treachery - that somehow the speaker is also to blame?

regards
Jason

Make every day count


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

i like looking at these snapshots :D
beautiful images in my head now. "rippled sand"... "gale"( it's a dylan thomas word for me, i dunno why).. the coat line did take a few reads to fall into place for me(regarding the feeling of the song). it's fine now. "lit red with fading light"... beautiful. also love "do smiles ring hollow, now?" ! although i kind of think of laughter and sounds more than smiles because of "rings".. i know it probably is meant like "ring true"... anyhow i love it.
only thing i would change, is take away the "but" in "but it was too late, anyhow"... just a feeling.

and i personally like how you did not suspect the relationship/treachery thing reading the first verses. wouldn't change that.

well.. i guess i couldn't say much that is productive;-) i really like this. and it's exactly where i have been stranded. it is exactly the trap i am trying to escape from.

cheers,
straycat.

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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