Running (Warning; 2 explicit lyrics)

Hey Pete

WOW mate all I will say she must have hurt you bad buddy ..

In every verse there is a line that breaks the flow me in your song

1st verse last line :

But you don't seem capable of that

2nd verse

That you won't ever feel what I feel

next verse

No matter what I try I can't find release

next one

But F him ‘cos I want you back so…

next one

Running, Running

Now my reply maybe a bit harsh and this is only my opion , disregard anything I say if you disagree ..

But I think the song works really well with out those lines and the flow seems to be better { for me at least }

Now to the things that really work well

You speak the words
But your eyes are lying { beautiful mate }

The scars and wounds
That you've left around my heart
Won't ever heal
I don't even know where too start { this is gold mate }

Blood is boiling
At the very thought of you
I can't forget
Even though I want to { I love this }

You're moving on
And I'm stuck feeling like this
It was so easy
For you, you're taking the P { shows real emotion great stuff}

Pete this is a very god song the lines I mentioned that don't work for me probably just need a tweek for the rhyme as they do lose it ...

Suggestion mate maybe you can write a song about all the good times the fun times and not mention how much you miss them but tell the reader / listner about the good times ..
That would be a great follow up to this

Take care , have a great Christmas

Trev...

barnabus gave a pretty thorough "flow-check", so I stick to the other part of the poem I found disconnecting.

it seems you wrote this in a fairly centered state, not too intense at the time, which is good, keeps you from going apeshit.

but by the same token, there's a lot of heavy duty description here, the first and second stanzas in particular are explanations of a feeling. i think that for the first stanza, the last line "but you don't seem capable of that", could be turned around a little, to be more descriptive. the whole thing got awkward at "all I wanted", because that doesn't connect with the line before it, "and I'm sick of trying". That line is begging for an answer. sick of trying for what? so maybe, I'm sick of trying to make you happy, would have been a better way to connect those two thoughts.

I feel a little bad about scrutinizing like this, considering I don't come here that often, but...

you do a similar thing in the second stanza with "I don't even know where to start", I get a feeling that lyrically, these parts are supposed to be disconnected, but the thoughts don't reveal anything before you skip ahead to the second half of the stanza. so if you had given some connecting element to those two separate halves, it would be much more accessible.

the rest of the poem i really like, you build up very coherent, visible feelings in the ensuing verses. I especially like the "stuck with me" line, that one is very personal to everybody at some point I think.

I don't think we can really comment with regards to flow without hearing the melody over the chords. The last lines in verses of seven lines being longer than the rest is probably not an error, it's a common enough way to give a song more rhythmic interest.

Thanks for the feedback guys, its appreciated :)

With regards to the 7th line in each verse, yes it does give way to the ryhme scheme and flow of the song, but with the music I have in my mind it does fit in. I keep meaning to try and record my material, but a lack of good equipment and ability to sing/play as I would like to gets in the way somewhat!

Pete

Pete

To record all need is Audacity or some other free down load from the net a cheap mic , guitar , voice ..and a song

Trev...

Failing a cheap mic, I often find it useful to tab out the backing chords and vocal melody in powertab/guitarpro/etc. I do it mainly because I have an appalling memory and don't want to risk losing something I like, but it's also useful for fine-tuning timings etc.