SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green - MP3 added

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green - MP3 added

Post by Alan Green » January 12th, 2009, 4:44 am

Last week beat me totally. Oh well, maybe I can come back to it another time. This one's not proving as easy as I thought it was going to be either, gonna have to have a word with our guv'nor. The last verse but one is out of context, it's still a future event compared to what I'm writing about. All ideas gratefully received; I'm sure this one isn't finished yet.

The Total Disaster Scenario - this is actually one of my favourite interview questions and it's great to see people squirm when I've asked them to talk me through what they did to deal with an occasion when it had all gone horribly wrong. I digress.

Imagine, if you will, that some nutter has pressed the button. Slow, doom-laden, maybe accoustic. Think R.E.M.'s most excellent "Country Feedback"


Title: Point of exit

Smoke rising from a City's grave
Follows on the violent craze
And says this is the end
There's nothing left

It took a while time before it came
We all closed our eyes and prayed
and hoped we'd live to tell
not feel the pain

Crashed to earth around our ears
Screaming, crying, floods of tears
And bodies in the street
Still try to run

Through it all a telephone
Rings and says we're not alone
Or does it, is it just locked
On redial

The congregations at the gates
Of Church reveal an inner faith
A trust in someone's God
To help them through

A loaf of bread means many things
Today, it's riches without end
Everyone's too tired
Even to steal

Poppies bloom in empty fields
Where laughter rang and wine was spilled
So much for the power
Of the atom

Maybe we're the lucky ones
Or maybe just the un-dead ones
Maybe the biggest horrors
Yet to come
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger
"I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by KR2 » January 12th, 2009, 5:12 am

Yep, a nuclear explosion would ruin anybody's day . . . I hate it when that happens.

Lookin' good to me . . . I like the 'phone locked on redial'

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by jamestoffee » January 12th, 2009, 6:27 am

Alan,

Pretty dark...I had a mix of sci-fi movie flashes reading through the lines :shock: .... looks like a good start :D

Good news...I was going to copy and paste the last verse and say it was my favorite....then I saw the one above it, and above it...and I realized....I really like the whole thing :D

Suggestion/Question
#1
Is this line a typo?
"It took a while time before it came"
I could see....It took a while before it came....or......It took some time before it came

#2
Maybe a chorus to add as well?

-James

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by Alan Green » January 12th, 2009, 7:30 am

Ah, yes. Well spotted. That is indeed a typo. Delete the word "time." I must read these things before I hit the Submit button.

Not sure about a chorus. It needs to be fairly potent to be worthwhile and I'm not sure I want to take anything away from the verses. Not ruling it out, though, not by any stretch of the imagination.


A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger
"I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk

Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by Vic Lewis VL » January 12th, 2009, 12:03 pm

Alan Green wrote:This one's not proving as easy as I thought it was going to be either, gonna have to have a word with our guv'nor.
Hmmm - it's not supposed to be EASY, it's supposed to make you think. Fire up the neural cortices, stimulate the little grey cells.... :shock:

Although....it can be as easy, or as hard, as you want to make it. That's entirely up to you....but I generally find the more I put into it, the more I get out.

Anyway, you've obviously thought about this one and put some effort into it....it's got a beginning, a middle, an end and a plot. It's got imagery - all it needs is music now!

There's only one part I'm not all that keen on - and that's the next-to-last verse. Not for the reason you've already stated, though - poppies, in my mind (well, fields of poppies, anyway) are indelibly linked to WW1 and, to a lesser extent, WW2: I just can't seem to make the connection to a post-apocalyptic landscape, all I can see in my mind's eye is a barren wasteland. Although I do agree, it's more of a glimpse into a (possibly far-distant?) future - perhaps it could be re-worked that way?

That apart, though, I like this - got a really good flow to it, just reading it out loud it trips off the tongue more smoothly than a firefighter down a greasy pole. I hereby pronounce zose leetle grey cells healthy and well.....keep 'em active!

:D :D :D

Vic
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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by Alan Green » January 12th, 2009, 2:01 pm

Let's make it snowdrops then - images of Springtime and new beginnings, and it doesn't mess up the pattern. I still think it's out of context with the other verses but it seems like everybody's happy with that.


Snowdrops bloom in empty fields
Where laughter rang and wine was spilled
So much for the power
Of the atom
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger
"I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by jamestoffee » January 13th, 2009, 4:11 am

Alan,

I'm back with another "suggestion"

Snowdrops bloom in empty fields
Where laughter rang and wine was spilled
So much for the power
Of the atom

Suggestion:
I am not sure how snowdrops fits in...

How about this?

Flowers bloom dead in radiated fields
Where laughter rang and wine was spilled
So much for the power
Of the atom

No worries if its not to your liking. :wink:
-James

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by Vic Lewis VL » January 13th, 2009, 4:22 pm

jamestoffee wrote:Flowers bloom dead in radiated fields
That doesn't work for me either - flowers wouldn't bloom at all in (ir)radiated fields. They wouldn't bloom dead OR alive....maybe they might bloom black?

No, I think if this verse is going to stay - and please remember, this is just one man's opinion - AND look into the future, it's going to have to start along the lines of;

"Flowers MAY bloom....."

Or snowdrops, or poppies.....but you're going to have to put it in the future tense.

:D :D :D

Vic
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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by jamestoffee » January 13th, 2009, 4:39 pm

Hi Alan and Vic,

"Flowers bloom dead in radiated fields"

It was going for more figurative than literal...I don't quite have stray cat's touch for the ethereal esthetics :wink:

....and to confess :oops: I didn't know "snowdrops" was a type of flower...my bad :( ...but now I know :D

-James

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by Vic Lewis VL » January 13th, 2009, 4:52 pm

jamestoffee wrote:I didn't know "snowdrops" was a type of flower...my bad ...but now I know
fair enough.....we all learn through experience.
jamestoffee wrote:I don't quite have stray cat's touch for the ethereal esthetics
you're not on your own there.....!!!!!

That's a great phrase....ethereal aesthetics (I added an A) ....might make a good song?

:D :D :D

Vic
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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by Alan Green » January 14th, 2009, 3:45 am

Vic Lewis VL wrote:That's a great phrase....ethereal aesthetics (I added an A) ....might make a good song?

:D :D :D

Vic
You're in real trouble if it's got anything to do with the Week 12 Assignment

"Flowers will bloom in empty fields"

would work as I could squeeze "flowers" down almost into one syllable and the overall flow of that line wouldn't be affected. Gets the sometime-in-the-future element in there too.


A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger
"I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by DylanBarrett » January 14th, 2009, 12:46 pm

Everyone seems to be having a go at this one, so here's my ten cents worth...
Alan Green wrote:Poppies bloom in empty fields
Where laughter rang and wine was spilled
So much for the power
Of the atom
The roots of life changing empty fields
Where hands were raised their only shields
So much for the power
Of the atom

Powerful stuff....

Rock on!
D 8)
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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by dhodge » January 14th, 2009, 12:57 pm

Okay, throwing in my two cents:

Ashes blow across empty fields
Where laughter rang and wine was spilled
So much for the power
Of the atom

or maybe

Echos of ghosts in empty fields
Where laughter rang and wine was spilled
So much for the power
Of the atom

Definitely a tough day, Alan. And I'm one hundred percent behind you should Vic go through with an "ethereal aesthetics" assignment - Week 12 through 52! :wink:

Peace

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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by Vic Lewis VL » January 14th, 2009, 1:25 pm

dhodge wrote:And I'm one hundred percent behind you should Vic go through with an "ethereal aesthetics" assignment - Week 12 through 52!
Hmmmmm.......thinking........ :twisted:

Now where'd I put that dictionary?

:D :D :D

Vic
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Re: SSG 7 - Week 11 - Alan Green

Post by Alan Green » January 15th, 2009, 2:32 am

Ashes are good. I can sing about ashes without it compromising the flow.

I might be able to sing about roots of life too, I'll have to try them out at home (singing in the office will get me locked up and the key thrown away) as I'm still carrying the germs that were sprayed on me on the train last week.


A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger
"I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk

Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk

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