Need help with song for my girlfriend?

[Roman955]

Now keep in mind, I'm 14, and this is my first song, so don't be too cruel, please?

I wrote this for her, if you guys could maybe revise it? Tell me some better words to use, also, tell me what you think of it. I can't think of a bridge, I want to finish it off with a bridge and then the chorus. Tell me what you think!


Verse 1

When I met you girl my heart was in a daze
Now that I'm with you you got so many ways
to keep me on your side, you keep me satisfied.
In my heart I've got a feeling, and it doesn't lie.

Chorus
I got a cool breeze, flowing through my window,
Just like the way the love in our hearts flow,
To hard to resist you, I can't even try,
Cause when you love me, I thank my lucky stars,
That I'm alive.

Verse 2
Were millions of miles away from that place,
But all seem to vanish when i look at your face.
cause when your close to me, like it's supposed to be,
the whole world seems to stop!

Chorus
I got a cool breeze, flowing through my window,
Just like the way the love in our hearts flow,
To hard to resist you, I can't even try,
Cause when you love me, I thank my lucky stars,
That I'm alive.

[pear tart]

Alright, I'm 14 too so I don't have much grounds to be very cruel....

But I think you should make the song more original. You can introduce a twist or use very specific details. Right now you're falling under the general idea of "I love you" but there's so much more to that. You can find some vivid unusual imagery, add something unexpected, personalize it. Go specific and tell a story while you send a message.

[Coolnama]

Haha Im 14 too but I can be very cruel .

Now seriously, pear tart is right, its a bit cliched, but dont worry, its nice, just unoriginal, try doing what she says, Idk tell the story of how u first met, and how everything happened.

[Blue Jay]

Yes it is cliche and there is no action. It is all about being passive, and feelings. No story or dynamics.

Well, you can still save it, or breathe some life into it, and get by. It's not that bad as a young effort, better than many.

First, change heart to "head" in a daze.

Second verse, you didn't rhyme with "stop". Re-write the entire second verse. Same idea, just different words.

This is only a suggestion - really, I would have to think about myself and hone it some more. I mean, just a quick alternative.

We're millions of miles from everywhere ("on a sea of dreams", if you like, then change the next ryhyme)
The look in your eyes says we haven't a care
And our worlds collide like it's meant to be
We touch (the stars) ... I feel the harmonyyy

Bridge:

Girl, you've got me in your grasp,
I won't break free,
We can make it last...

Maybe not so hot, but that's just a few minutes' thoughts, and can be improved if it is worth the time.

[Blue Jay]

Hey Roman. How's it goin?

[Babs22110]

im 17 and i think the song is great but it could use a few minor improvements. Yes, we get the idea that you love your girlfriend but love is so much more than just saying "i love you". its describing the first time you met and all the good times yet to be in your future.